Haunting Memories
by Leah Bea
Summary: ::One-shot:: "If I told you what was wrong, do you think you would still not care about my past, or would I be in your eyes what I am to people like Sishio, Saito, and Jin-e? A hitokiri."


  
_He raised his katana high, his eyes were closed as he used all of his remaining strength to bring it down in a vertical slash on the man who opposed him. The familiar feeling of warm blood was soon upon his face and hands, coloring his soul all the more with the blood of the dead. The pure snow around him was dyed crimson in a moment. But... Something wasn't right. There was too much resistance from the blade as it sank down through the man's shoulder and chest. He was weary, perhaps that was the only reason.... A soft gasp was heard and he opened his eyes to see who had caused it. It all came into focus, she was there, between the man and him. She stood with a wound matching the man's, in her hand she held the dagger the man had been trying to use. She fell back against him, still holding the dagger. He held her, his eyes still unbelieving. She reached up her hand, her breaths short, and he lowered his head. A small pain was felt as she cut a wound with her dagger. The wound crossed over the scar her fiancé had given him when he had faced death, faced the Battousai. Her hand fell back and she closed her eyes. He held her closer to him as he wept and cried out her name...._   
  
"Tomoe!" Kenshin gasped as he opened his eyes, suddenly very alert of his surroundings. Sleep had eluded him once more this night. Only half an hour into his sleep and the dark memories come to haunt him. His hand traveled from his side to his left cheek, he traced the cross scar that he would have for life, it was wet. Pulling his hand slowly from his scar, Kenshin tried to see what the liquid was in the dark. Lightening flashed outside and momentarily illuminated the room. The liquid that he had felt on his scar, and now had on his hand was, clear. It was a tear, not the crimson color of blood he had expected to see. Kenshin leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. The rain pounded mercilessly against the roof above his head, lightening flared brilliantly, thunder roared, and the wind moaned with such sadness as she always does. It was a stormy night indeed.   
Rain.... The rain would always remind him of her. It was in the rain they had met. True, it was not a natural rain... Oh no, far from it. Anytime it rained he could still hear her voice, 'You.... Remarkably made it rain.... Rain of blood...' She had seen him kill, and yet remained calm enough so state such a thing. Rain and snow.... These two things would eternally remind him of his sins. Tomoe had lived longer than anyone had after seeing the Hitokiri Battousai kill. The inevitable had happened, however, and she was killed by his sword. While not meaning to, he had killed her. Just like, not meaning to, he had taken away her happiness. Not meaning to, he had caused her so much pain. Kenshin held his face in his hands and tried to block out the memories.   
His hands were covered in blood, always would be. No matter how hard he scrubbed at them, they would eternally be covered with blood. His dream of redemption would never come to be. Jin-e, Saito, Shishio, himself.... These people were all people who had tried to kill him. They were only a few of those who knew his past and wanted him to die.   
  
_'I don't want to die!'   
'Battousai!'   
'Redemption for you is only an illusion.'   
'Die!'   
'Hate me, become the Battousai.'   
'A sheath for a sword.'   
'Can you keep your vow not to kill?'   
'Sister....'   
'I have another job for you...'_   
  
The voices of the past all circled around his head in a jumble as he pictured their faces. Everyone of them had a name, not one he could ever forget. The dark seemed to close in around Kenshin as he shivered from both the cold wind and the memories. Getting up from his sitting position, he still couldn't sleep while laying down, Kenshin silently walked over to the lantern in his room. He lit it and watched it flicker. Dawn was still hours away....   
The soft sounds of Yahiko snoring could be heard down the hall from Kenshin's room, he would have smiled at this, but he felt as if he couldn't smile at anything. Glancing over at the calendar, Kenshin saw what day it was. It was this day that she had died. The longest and hardest day of his life had been this day....   
  
  
That morning found Yahiko, Kaoru, and Sanosuke eating the breakfast that Kenshin had prepared. This morning also found Kenshin sitting silently simply staring at his food, his eyes distant in thought. Sanosuke and Yahiko were too busy enjoying their meal to notice the silence from the rurouni, but Kaoru took notice. "Kenshin, are you okay?"   
Silence was the only reply. "Kenshin?" She asked again when the one she addressed didn't give even the slightest reaction. Sanosuke and Yahiko stopped, watching for any movement from Kenshin.   
"Kenshin!" Kaoru said as she bopped Kenshin, he was shaken from his thoughts as he felt himself move forward from the bop*.   
"Oro!" Kenshin spoke in surprise as he saw three very worried faces trained on him. "Are you okay, Kenshin?" Kauro asked once more. "Hai, sessha is fine, that sessha is." A lie. Kenshin knew it was a lie, Kaoru knew it was a lie. Sanosuke and Yahiko knew it was a lie. The usual rurouni smile spread across Kenshin's face as he tried to assure his friends. His facial expression may have been the usual care-free expression, but his eyes told another story. No one was fooled by his act, but thought it better to not question him right now. To try to prove he was fine, Kenshin took a bite of the breakfast.   
  
  
_'I believe she is a sheath for you, the sword, even now...' _   
  
Kenshin paused in his scrubbing of the kimono in hand as he recalled those words. Katsura had spoken them to him as he watched over Tomoe's lifeless body. "Kenshin, what's wrong?" Kaoru asked from behind the thoughtful man with fiery red hair. Keeping his back to her Kenshin responded, "Nothing is wrong, Kaoru-dono. All is well, that it is."   
"Something _is_ wrong, Kenshin..." Kaoru whispered as she stared at the back of the usually smiling man. Kenshin turned to face her, his head bowed and his wild bangs shielding his eyes from her view. "Sessha is going out, de gozaru, sessha may be late tonight." Kenshin said as he walked toward the doorway which Kaoru stood in. He paused, however, when she grabbed onto his gi and held onto it. "I'm going with you." She stated simply. Kenshin was going to protest, but decided against when he saw the expression on her face. Her expression seemed to say that no matter what he said, she would be coming along.   
  
The two walked in silence until they were a few blocks away from the Kamiya dojo and walking along the river that ran through the town. They walked by the place that Kaoru would always remember. It was down by the river in that location that Kenshin had said good-bye to her. Kenshin stopped not far from that place and watched the water move by. Kaoru paused two steps ahead of him, turning to look at him. The road was deserted on that day, just like the day they first met.   
Kenshin knew that Kauro had wanted to know what was wrong with him today, and he wanted to tell her. But... How could he? How can you tell someone that you killed a woman who you loved? Kauro broke the silence, "Kenshin, onegai, what's wrong?"   
"Do you remember how you told me you didn't care about my past?" Kenshin started, his eyes hidden from her view again, his expression impassive. Kaoru nodded.   
"If I told you what was wrong, do you think you would still not care about my past, or would I be in your eyes what I am to people like Shishio, Saito, and Jin-e? A hitokiri."   
Kaoru was taken aback by his question and managed a small smile as she replied, "It still wouldn't matter to me who you were, all I care about is who you are."   
"Do you know why I became a rurouni?" He asked this, even though he knew she didn't. Kaoru responded just as he knew she would, with a 'no'.   
"During the Bakumatsu, I killed in front of a woman named Tomoe. She was drunk and seemed impassive about it all. I should have silenced her then, that's what I had always been told to do. Make sure there were no witnesses. But.... I couldn't kill her. I took her to the inn where I stayed and she was allowed to worked there. There was only one room she could stay in for the first night, and that was mine. We didn't speak to each other much while we stayed in the inn. One evening, however, I was told that Tomoe and I should move away from Kyoto, until things were quieter. If we moved to a remote location and pretended to a newly-wed couple we would seem less suspicious. And so we did just that. It was so quiet out there. We started to grow a field, and then I was told that if I started a business I would be even less suspicious. So I began selling medicine. Tomoe and I would grow the ingredients and mix them, then we would both go to the town and sell them.   
"One day Tomoe's younger brother came to our home and I was working in the field while they talked. Not too long after, Tomoe left. I followed her through the snow and was attacked by three men. Not one of them lived. When I reached the small cottage where Tomoe's footprints led, I was confronted by a man who's name I don't know...." Kenshin paused as he tried to lock away the memories, the emotions, that threatened to reveal themselves. "Kenshin..." Kaoru whispered softly.   
Kenshin took a deep breath and began again, his eyes moist as he thought of the events that followed. "I fought him, and was too weak. I could hardly see what I was doing, and I could barely hear his steps. I used all of my remaining strength to try and kill him. I had closed my eyes when I swung the sword down, I didn't even see her. She had jumped between us to save me. That man was going to try and stab me and she had saved me. I killed them both at once. Her blood... I couldn't tell what was mine, or her's, or his. There was so much blood.... Before she passed away, she took the dagger that she saved me from and cut the second part of my scar to stop the first one, which had been given to me by her fiancé, from bleeding*. I stayed in our home with Tomoe's still form lying on the futon for one day while saying good-bye. Katsura-san came. He told me he had asked Tomoe to act as a sheath, for me, the sword. Today is.... Today is the day that I killed her. I promised her that I wouldn't kill again. I fought for one year longer to finally end the Bakumatsu, and since then I've kept my promise to her......." Kenshin ended his sad tale and continued to avoid Kaoru's eyes. She was shocked, yes. She was saddened by his story, yes. She couldn't seem to speak. And so instead of saying it all with useless words, she hugged him.   
Kenshin, surprised, tensed in her arms. He finally relaxed and slowly his arms came to encircle her as he hugged her in thanks and the two stood like that for some time. Finally, Kaoru found her tongue. "I'm so sorry Kenshin.... I- I guess I can't say anything else.... But, Kenshin... I'm so sorry..." Kenshin closed his eyes tightly, trying to hold his emotions back, he trembled slightly. Finally, Kenshin's emotions broke through his barrier as he cried with all the grief, pain, and anger at himself that had been stored in him for so many years. The walls he had built years ago began to crumble and finally fell in heaps as he wept. He leaned on the girl in front of him and she wasn't able to support him, and so she lowered herself gently to her knees, taking Kenshin with her.   
"Kaoru-dono.... gomen ne..... gomen ne...... gomen n-" Kenshin mumbled into her kimono as his shaking became less and his crying quieted. "It's okay.... Don't worry...." She whispered back to him, a smile playing on her lips as he pulled away slightly to looked at her, a small smile was on his face, as well. "Arigatou.... Kaoru-dono......" He said in a soft voice. Kaoru simply smiled a little more.   
  
  
  
_I guess in the beginning it could be kinda confusing, I'm sorry about that. Um... This is my first RK fic, I hope you enjoyed it, sorry if the ENTIRE thing ended up being confusing, though. Please review I need tips and junk! Oh, and I don't own Rurouni Kenshin, a bunch of lucky companies and people do. Oi, oi! You people are just trying to confuse me! =) I originally had the name as 'Kaoru', but then someone said it was 'Kauro'. I know my typing sucks so I thought I might have goofed up, and so I changed it. I re-post this and I get told I had it right the first time! I'm sooo confused... Anyway, if this is wrong, just pretend I had it right. 'Kaoru' Is how it's spelled in the few manga and in the eps that I have, so as far as I know, it's right. Okay? Geeze....   
  
-dono - Suffix added to the end of a name, usually used in letters, means that the person using it has great respect for the person who's name it's on.   
  
oi- hey   
  
gomen ne - I'm sorry/I'm very sorry   
  
arigatou - thank you   
  
onegai - Please   
  
Hitokiri - assasian   
  
Rurouni - Wandering samaria   
  
oro - Only Kenshin & his creator know what this means   
  
Sessha - a humble way of saying 'I'   
  
hai - Yes   
  
Battousai - Nickname given to Kenshin in the Bakumatsu   
  
Bakuatsu - End of the Edo era, before the Meiji   
  
*bop - Basically a punch   
  
*cut the second part of my scar to stop the first one, which had been given to me by her fiancé, from bleeding - It's a Japanese saying that if you are cut maliciously with a sword, it will bleed until the act that caused the cut is forgiven. But when it finally heals, it will be a scar forever. (Did I get that right?) And Tomoe cutting over it said that it was forgiven, therefor keeping the first scar from bleeding ever again._


End file.
